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Welcome to the Love Sex God Life blog!

This is where you can get news, conference updates and special articles from the LSGL events that we are holding. As we progress we will have special articles from our speakers and other authorities from all across the relationship spectrum. So, keep us bookmarked and subscribe via email so that you know when some new information is posted that just might change your entire life.

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Uncompromisingly Compromising.

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thOkay folks, we need to get something out into the open that is affecting a whole lot of marriages out there right now. We live in a society where it is common for people to be married 2, 3 or even 4 or more times over the course of their lives. In each new marriage they simply carry over the same problems that they had in their previous ones. I hate to be the one to break it to you but if you have been married four times, I would be willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that it is not just the fault of all of your ex-spouses. Easy bet.

One of the main issues that we see as we travel is that everyone looks at marriages and relationships for what they are getting out of them. This is easy to do as it is the battle cry of our humanistic society in recent years. Am I happy? Are they making me happy? What could they be/do/say to make me even more happy? Why don’t they care if I am happy?

This is not a fun place to be, believe me. I understand the loneliness and pain that isolation brings on, be it real or imagined. I would say that it is a safe guess that millions of Americans suffer from real discontentment, especially in the area of their marriages. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Two general concepts really go a long way in keeping a happy home if you can commit them to memory and adopt them as uncompromised tenets in your life;

1. Marriage is actual work. This means that it will take effort on your part. Not effort to endure your partner but a commitment to do what it takes to make things work on your end. Do you have to just work once? No, it is going to require daily work on your part.

2. It takes both partners exerting the same amount of work. If you are doing all of the giving just to make them happy, it won’t work. If they won’t put in the work because they expect that everything should just coast along beautifully, you are in for a long, hard haul.

Just those two ideas alone, if both partners agree with them and make a decision 2to work together in the marriage will strengthen your relationship. Remember, whatever you do not focus on will go into decline in your life. If you decide to put the relationship on autopilot (because it is a privilege to be with you or something) then you can expect that the quality will start to nose dive. If you focus on how you feel and your wants and needs and not how to serve your partner, don’t be surprised if you wake up alone.

That brings me to the important(er) bit of this little writing.

Your relationship is not just about you, Narcissus. There are some things about you that your spouse really needs to change. They may be right, they may be wrong, that is not the point. The point is that it is something that they need from you. Therefore, in order to be fully aligned and happy, you are going to have to change it. In return, given that they adhere to tenet #2 above, they will compromise on some things for you as well.

This is what makes a relationship work, the idea that you have to be uncompromisingly compromising. To not compromise and be the very best spouse that you can be for them is inherently selfish. And if your idea is that you are enough as you are and you don’t need to change for someone then you deserve to be alone, if I am being honest. We all have needs, wants, ideals, eccentricities, give it a name. We are in a relationship so that those things can be met and we can be fulfilled and not lonely anymore. But the road to seeing that happen is one of compromise, not one sided service.

So go home and write a vision sheet. On it list the needs that you have that you don’t feel are being met right now. Then number them in importance from 1 (it sure would be nice if) to 10 (not budging, I need, I need, I want, I want, gimme, gimme). Force your partner to do the same at gunpoint. Actually, scratch that, maybe just talk to them and ask them to.

Then take your partners top 5, so long as they are moral. I had to add that in case your partners number one need is the Swedish Bikini Team or Magic Mike. Then do your level best to meet those needs yourself. It doesn’t matter if it is contrary to who you have been, what you are comfortable with or if Jupiter is aligned with Venus, just do your best to carry it out. Just because they aren’t your needs doesn’t make them not valid, Holmes. Your partner should have your sheet and should do the exact same thing, period.

After you fully meet the top 5, move on down to the next 5. Make it a mission every single day to be who they need you to be so that they will be who you need them to be.

Remember, no murmuring, no complaining, no hitting them with frying pans. Just serve your serving partner. You’ll be glad that you did.

Rediscover Your Spouse

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Ahhh….it’s been awhile since I wrote…and it feels good.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the struggles that we have as couples.  The needs that you have which you may or may not even realize; the needs that he has that he’s either shared or kept hidden.  As we continue the LSGL classes, we see the same things surface in many different people.  There ends up being this gerbil wheel, if you will, of motion without accomplishment.

Sure, we talk as couples…but not really.  What we actually do is hide what we’re really feeling and hope we get used to life as we know it.  The problem is that the needs that you have don’t ever just go away.  They end up simmering…and if you’ve ever simmered anything way too long…you know that it ends up burnt and disgusting (then you have to put vinegar in the pot to get it off or scrub the living daylights out of it!).

Yes, couples start out trying to communicate but it ends up in a huge argument instead of getting to any conclusions.  Many couples will not even try to communicate anymore because they know what happens, and it’s not worth the fight.

Communication is imperative.  Without it we are totally separate individuals who live a false married life.  No matter what you present on the outside, if you are not communicating to your spouse the needs you have…it will be detrimental in some regard.

I say rediscover because I believe that word is perfect for the uncommunicative couple.  My husband and I were just that, not long ago.  Then as we started communicating our core needs to each other without judgment; we set on a path of rediscovering each other again.

I love that when I have a need I can share it with my husband and he acknowledges it and I reciprocate.  This is a relationship.  I know things now about him that I’ve not known in the 14 years we’ve been together.  Intimacy is more than just the physical; it’s the growing together through the good and the bad and loving them more now than you did at the start.

So don’t hide who you are anymore.  Don’t “turtle” when you have those needs surface.  Share them with each other and you’ll find fulfillment again in your relationship.  The key is that you HAVE to be willing to hear your spouse’s needs and do what you can to fulfill them.

 

 

A Threesome with Satan.

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While they ride, Lord, he tells her
How they two will settle down
But she only hears the highway
And a voice in some other town

And the harder he holds her
The more she slips away

Same old story, that everybody knows
It’s one heart holdin’ on and one letting go.

~Garth Brooks, Same Old Story

I want to write a short article here about something that we have been seeing more and more of lately. And it couldn’t be more important that you let the truth of this sink into you and that you make some changes in your relationships and in your lives.

You know that person that you are in a relationship with? If anyone were to ask you if you know them, your answer would probably be a definite yes accompanied by a scoff because you have been with them for so long, right? Well, I want to tell you something- you probably don’t really know them at all.

See, there is a strange little dynamic that takes place in any relationship where you change how you act depending on who you are with. This is why it is written in 1st Corinthians that “bad company corrupts good character”. You will change in response to who you are around and this is as true with marriages as it is with friendships. But every outward change that you make in response to the people that are around you is only outward, what is on the inside (core needs) stays the same.

This is why you can have a marriage where two people that have been together for a long time suddenly divorce, or have affairs, without any outward signs of trouble. They had learned, as we all do, to live together. But what was on the inside had never changed.

We all do this, don’t we? We learn to live together- how we should act in order to keep someone from getting angry or to make them happy or even to simply keep the peace. We adjust our actions and even our personality in order to maintain peace. And you learn to play this role so well that after awhile, it is the only thing that you see about your partner- the act they play in order to maintain domestic tranquility with you.

Let me give you an example of what I am talking about: I love olives; my wife hates them with a fiery passion. And so we never have olives in our house. After so many years of there not being any olives around and me never mentioning how much I love them around her, she might assume that my love for olives has changed. But my love for olives never changed, I just stopped mentioning it in order to coexist with an olive hater. When we go to someone’s house that is serving olives, or to a salad bar, I destroy me some olives.

It is the same in every life. If someone wants something and you don’t do it for them, it doesn’t go away. And this is exactly where so many of us are making huge mistakes in our relationships. You assume that because you “win” and things are going your way that the issue is settled. But it’s not, not by a long shot, because that thing that they want is still there, smoldering under the surface. And this need that they have gets all the more intense with its absence from their life. And soon, you have yourself a real problem.

A woman may want more intimacy or talking time with their spouse. But he gets really uncomfortable talking about deep things and emotional issues. He doesn’t want to try and communicate how he feels and he really can’t bother with listening to her talk about how she is feeling either. And so, he stops talking to her in the way that she needs and soon, she stops even trying. He continues to want sex and expects her to cook and clean and take care of the kids but he refuses to fill her need for emotional bonding. This leaves her with a huge hole on the inside that gnaws at her and drives her thoughts more and more every day. In order to fill this need, she may go to her friends or family at first, but that only helps so much. What she is craving is touch and talk and he won’t give that to her and the substitutes can’t give it to her. Then one day she meets a man online that fills that need in her and the reasons for staying with her husband shrink by the minute.

Or perhaps it is a man who has sexual needs. His wife doesn’t understand why he is unsatisfied and doesn’t even try to satisfy him. There is no big fight, no communication of what he needs and wants- he has just given up and stopped hoping for it. And every night as they go to bed, the devil is lying right between them. The wife might be really content that he has stopped asking, she might even figure that he got over it and she won. But those desires did not go away just because she did not meet them. And soon he is looking at porn to satisfy him and daydreaming about meeting a woman who will do everything that he needs. And his reasons for staying faithful shrink by the minute.

Of all of the things that you need to have the right information and the right understanding about in your life, your spouse is number one with a bullet. This is because we provide a mutual defense for one another in a Christian marriage. Whatever their needs are, you are there to meet them. That is true whether it is financial security, emotional security, gender security or sexual security. What we do not provide, the enemy takes advantage of. He tests our fences and finds that weak spot and soon our lives are torn apart.

There is an Arabic proverb that goes like this;

“One cold night, as an Arab sat in his tent, a camel gently thrust his nose under the flap and looked in. “Master,” he said, “let me put my nose in your tent. It’s cold and stormy out here.” “By all means,” said the Arab, “and welcome” as he turned over and went to sleep.

A little later the Arab awoke to find that the camel had not only put his nose in the tent but his head and neck also. The camel, who had been turning his head from side to side, said, “I will take but little more room if I place my forelegs within the tent. It is difficult standing out here.” “Yes, you may put your forelegs within,” said the Arab, moving a little to make room, for the tent was small.

Finally, the camel said, “May I not stand wholly inside? I keep the tent open by standing as I do.” “Yes, yes,” said the Arab. “Come wholly inside. Perhaps it will be better for both of us.” So the camel crowded in. The Arab with difficulty in the crowded quarters again went to sleep. When he woke up the next time, he was outside in the cold and the camel had the tent to himself”.

These areas in our relationships may seem trivial to you. You may not understand why she needs you to be Super Dad to your kids or to earnestly listen to her as she talks. You may not understand why he needs you to dress up like the San Diego Chicken or why he needs you to lose your mind for him. It doesn’t matter why. Let me say that again, it doesn’t matter why they need something. All that matters is that you are the person that covenanted to be with them and to be the answer for those needs- to mutually satisfy each other.

Too often we expect our spouse to change for us, to simply stop wanting what we don’t want to give. But that can’t produce a satisfying marriage, friend. A truly satisfying marriage takes dual service- you serving each other in every way in order to make sure that your partner is satisfied, happy and fulfilled. And you go as far as you can every single day in order to meet their needs. The result will be a spouse who is covered, defended and fulfilled as a man or a woman.

But let me be clear for you here. If a marriage is one sided, with you meeting all of their needs and them not reciprocating, it won’t work because one partner is left out in the cold. And if their requests are immoral (“Honey, I really need to sleep with you and your friend Eileen…”) you are not under an obligation to meet them. But in most things our obligation is to serve our partner and shield them from attacks.

The number one reason that we see in this ministry of why marriages are failing is two-fold; lack of honest communication and an unwillingness to serve your partner’s needs. When you see a relationship where either of those things are happening, we go into crisis mode to intervene. And in every single case, adultery and divorce had been getting considered.

So, talk to you spouse, find out what they need from you on a daily basis. After they tell you, dig even deeper in order to find those things that they need but haven’t told you about. And then do what you can to satisfy them in every area.

Once A Year, Guys?…Really?

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So, I decided my little spiel this week would pay due tribute to all the guys out there who so diligently celebrate Valentine’s Day every year.

Yeah, not really.

Don’t get me wrong….I applaud you for the effort you guys make on Valentine’s Day.  I really do!  But what’s with the other 364 days?  I mean, come on, chocolates and flowers one day a year is not going to make up for completely ignoring her the rest of the year!

She doesn’t want no stinkin’ chocolates on Valentine’s Day if you ignore her and treat her like she’s your roommate.  She is worth being spoiled, as much as you possibly can, throughout the year.  It’s about her feeling like a queen and being treated as such.  It’s not so much the material things…but rather, doing whatever you can to make sure she knows what she means to you.

And make no mistake about it….she knows right now what she’s worth to you!  Women are not ignorant.  Women know when they are adored and when they are considered a roommate with benefits.  And just because she is still around; it does not mean that she is happy.

My man does many things to show me what I mean to him.  Sometimes he’ll come home with the cutest apron ever!  (Until the next apron…which becomes the cutest apron ever!)  And at times he’ll bring a bouquet of flowers.  Sometimes he’ll get the family together to play a board game or just to go outside and be together.  I love when he comes into the kitchen and samples my dish (Get your minds out of the gutter!).  Occasionally we’ll cook something together and that’s always fun!  (Well, except that he has to put hot sauce on absolutely EVERYTHING!)

I love the fact that he’s a gentleman (which you will be hard-pressed to find anymore!) and he opens doors for me and drops me off at the door of every place we go!  Most of all, I love when we have long stimulating discussions about anything and everything!  And of course, that we can have passionate, engaging sex that requires intimacy!

So, you know what she wants?  No you don’t.  I’ll tell you what she wants.  She wants chivalry!  She wants you to be a gentleman and treat her as a lady that you highly adore.  Open the door for her and let her walk through first!  Pull out the chair for her every time!  If it’s raining-hello!-that’s what the umbrella is for!  Is she cold?  Then give her your jacket!  Is it icy?  Then hold her arm while she walks.  (Unless of course, it’s your freakin’ sidewalk…then get out the salt, um…duh!)  I refuse to believe that chivalry is dead!  Oh, and guys…stop ordering first!  If you’re ordering for her-then it’s okay.  But if you’re just ordering first because she takes too long and you’re hungry….no, that doesn’t fly.

So, guys, what about changing it up this year?  What about becoming the gentleman that is so honored to be with her that he expresses it daily!  How about making every day feel like Valentine’s Day?  No, that’s not cheesy….it’s reality.  I meet so many women that can’t wait to get away from their husbands.  They can’t wait to go out and spend the evening without him.  For me, that’s foreign.  I don’t want to go anywhere without him.  (I’m not so sure he digs this ALL the time!)  They just don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship where you really enjoy each other’s company.  Your spouse should be your best friend.  Really.

Your lady deserves more than one day a year.  Make it a point now to romance her daily.  Be the gentleman that she wants you to be.  Show her what she means to you…but please, not just once a year!

Places We’ve Never Been

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For many of you, your entire existence revolves around your sex life or lack thereof. And while many in the church (and the world) view this in a really negative way, it is actually understandable because sex is a fundamental element of our lives as human beings and its absence should be keenly felt.

I mean, if you were to go without food for 3 days, what would you be thinking mostly about?  Shana: Coffee What if you were deprived of water, would taking a drink fill your thought life even to the point of obsession?  Shana: Umm, still coffee.

Sex within marriage may not seem to be that big of a deal to some of you but that is because you simply do not know what it can and should be. In the same way, for those of you who may be undernourished sexually it may too big of a deal to you. Both extremes have to be avoided if we are going to be healthy.

Shana: What if you’re underly overnourished sexually….is that a problem?

Only when we take a step back and look at the big picture can we begin to see things in their proper perspective. And perspective is everything, that can’t be overstressed. Your life, job, relationships, marriages, priorities and everything else in between sit fixed exactly where they are due to your perception of them.

Perception really is a totally subjective thing, based entirely on the gray matter resting between your ears. What you perceive things to be may or may not be the truth and that is some scary stuff. That is exactly how you wake up one day and your spouse of 25 years has run off with a midget from the Ukraine and you never saw it coming.

Shana: Okay…first of all, how did they find a midget from the Ukraine?  Is there like a hotline for that?  Second of all, how on earth does one not see this coming?  This fetish for midgets?  I mean, there had to be a sign…like, “Oh, honey, I really wish you were shorter.”  Or, “Babe, could you just walk around on your knees a bit?”. 

Forgive me for waxing spiritual here for a second but I think it would help you to get what I am about to write. See, the way that we perceive things to be leads to our internal description of them. Once you describe a thing, you become subject to its law. What is a law? Well, a law is simply a predictable consequence of an act.

For example, you may perceive that you can fly due to a bad burrito that you had for lunch. But once you describe gravity, any dreams of flying with the birdies will be quickly replaced with an image of a big splat and a chalk line on the sidewalk. Well, what if you didn’t describe gravity- could you then fly, you ask? I don’t know, maybe you could go practice and write me and tell me how it worked out for you…

Shana:  Okay…so, bad burrito + flying with the birdies + splat = you already had a pre-conceived description of gravity, stupid.

Let’s get back to reality; what does this have to do with sex and marriage?

Follow me here; you perceive sex to be either important or basically unimportant. That perception then leads to an internal description of it that you file away inside your head that you find yourself subject to in every way. 

If you are undernourished sexually, that can lead to the exact behavior associated with a sexually desperate person. If on the other hand you are uninterested in sex or experiencing difficulties due to a previous experience or a body image or performance anxiety, it can lead to a sexual withdrawal and even hostility towards it.   Shana:  So….would, “See this line?…don’t cross it!” count as ‘hostility towards it’?  What about, “Touch me again and see what happens to you!”?  Oh, maybe that would go in the: ‘hostility towards HIM’ category.  Perhaps your perception of it is that it is totally bland, boring and as dull as ditchwater and that will lead to… not much.

My point is that what you have or don’t have is your own fault as individuals and as a couple and is the result of your flawed perception and ignorance of the possibilities.

If you don’t know what is possible sexually, you will fall back on your experience and quickly file it away into the “normal” category. In other words, you will assume that what you are experiencing is normal and expected for everyone.  That is kind of like assuming that because I have had frozen pizza at home for 20 years, I can deduce that the pizza at Lou Malnati’s in Chicago tastes pretty much the same.

I want you to do something. I want you to erase your personal history and the standards that come with it. If the best sexual experience of your life occurred 25 years ago and involved someone dressed up as the San Diego Chicken (Shana: What’s with the freakin’ chicken all the time?  Is that a hint?  Because I ain’t takin’ it!) and a used tire- forget about it. (Shana: Hmm…a chicken and a tire…a chicken and a tire…nope, got nothin’.)  If your personal history suggests that sex is boring, lasts 5 minutes and you never come away satisfied- forget about it. If your personal history suggests that your spouse is frigid or obsessed- forget about it. If you desire change, you must be the one to change first.

Shana:  Okay, so what you’re saying is: I’m right, it’s all his fault, and he’s the one who has to change.  Well, I knew that all along.

So, in the place of personal history I want you to substitute eight little words; “I don’t know but I want to know.” (If you naturally found yourself counting words there, we have a whole other problem to discuss).  Shana:  That’s not fair!  He knew I was gonna count them!!  And I don’t have a problem! 

You don’t know how lost in it that you can be right now but you want to.

You don’t know how enraptured you can get but you want to.

You don’t know what your body is capable of experiencing but you want to.

You don’t know about reaching a transcendent state with your partner but you want to.

You don’t know about true intimacy and oneness but you want to.

You don’t know what complete trust and security feels like but you want to.

Once you get to the place where you have erased descriptions and replaced them with an open-ended journey of discovery, you are ready to begin to come fully awake, fully alive and totally present in the now. Your next step is to ruthlessly kill off two more things that stand in your way of having Epic Sex in an Epic Marriage; the destination and the mediocre.

The destination in most sexual episodes is the climax. And pragmatism really does a number on us here- the idea that if it works, it is right. If your only goal is climax, you will find yourself pushing the buttons that you know work and being satisfied at the results. This is absolutely lazy and unfair to your partner. You need to start approaching sex with a totally different mindset. We need to banish that old thinking that said, “Just hold on, Marge, it will be over in a minute”. Instead, you need to push off the climax for as long as possible and make the journey the destination instead. Even better, you could have no destination at all and just lose yourself in what you are experiencing in that moment instead. This is not an easy feat, even when you are having more Epic Sex. You will always find yourself wanting to pursue a goal, even if that goal is whole body orgasms or making them climax 4-5 times. It really must be changed though because once a goal is put on the table, it can cause either apathy or performance anxiety. So, relax and just choose to redefine where you want to get to.

Shana:  I was always one who wanted to get to the “reason” why we were doing it…the climax.  I thought that was the end result.  Well, doesn’t everybody think that?  (Unless you’re trying to have a baby…lol)  Anyway, my husband (being Irish) really knows how to “live it up”!  (Those Irish sure are great at that kind of stuff!)  You know, live in the moment.  So, we began to really savor the time instead of just needing to climax.  And yes, it can go long but it’s worth it! That’s really the difference between sex and sex with love and intimacy.  Heart to heart stuff…that’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Secondly, you must eliminate your willingness to accept the mediocre. Most couples that we talk to have fallen into this trap. You figure that if the goal was reached, everything must be great. But in order to elevate and begin to experience life, you can never settle for the “okay”. You really have to learn to accept only the sustained epic experience. We try to help you with this by talking about surprising your spouse, gaining new information that is out of character and losing yourself in the moment. We know the things that are off-limits to Christians sexually (extra-marital relations, incest, bestiality, promiscuity, etc) but we need to approach everything else with the idea of learning. Set out to try everything together regardless of what you think you might like or dislike. From that, gauge how much your spouse got from it and then decide whether to include it in your repertoire or not. The end goal is to please them with everything that you have. If you can do that, you will have found something truly special. Marriage is about serving one another in every way in order to make your spouse feel loved, revered, accepted, whole and secure.

Shana: I meet a lot of women, who tell me at the first meeting we have, that they have a good marriage and a good sex life.  Then after the first couple of meetings they realize that it wasn’t that good and it could be SO much better!  We’re here to tell you to rethink!  Rethink your marriage, and rethink your sex life!  Spice it up, chickies!  (Well, you too, ya roosters! ;))

Sadly, some of you read things like this and just continue with business as usual. This epic stuff takes work and you will get out of it exactly what energy you put into its sustainability. In the end, you have to begin to look at your relationship as a couple for clues as to how well things are working. Are you closer than ever before? Do you talk to them and long to connect emotionally in your relationship? Do you find yourself daydreaming about intimacy with them and no one else?

Shana:  Yep, some people will settle for the mediocre.  But they probably settle in every area of their life.  This is about something more.  And it’s for the kind of people who want more than just the mediocre marriage with a mediocre sex life and a mediocre family with a mediocre dog.  (We have one of those mediocre dogs…not fun, people, not fun at all.)

Epic Sex is great but only if it leads to an Epic Marriage. The goal is to draw closer to one another, to experience sustained emotional bonding and ultimately, discover who God is and what He desires for worship. If we want to get there, we have to forget all we know and go to places we have never been.

Shana:  Buckle your seat belts.  Here we come….’place we’ve never been’!

I’m Sexy And I Know It.

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The kids finally fell asleep.  You smell like an interesting combination of bleach and bacon, with a hint of diaper rash ointment and you try your best to remember if you showered in the last day or two.  But you can’t remember, and he won’t care anyway so you sneak in and turn off all the lights.

In the pitch dark, you grope around hoping you stuck the right leg into the correct side of your ugly pajamas.  (Well, if by chance you misjudged, he won’t know anyway.)  Hurriedly, you slip on your matching pajama top (I’m guessing it involves a cartoon character….and no matter how many times he’s told you he likes them…he doesn’t.) and hoping he didn’t catch a glimpse, you unhook your bra (with your top still on, of course) and let it drop to the floor.  Then after stubbing your toe on the dresser, you find the bed…and crawl under the covers.  Pulling them high over your head, you precede to turn over into the correct and proper pose.  Your husband then assumes his position.

And so “the deed” gets done.  And you didn’t even have to take off your socks!

Is there something amiss about this picture of love and passion?  Ahh…where do we begin?  First off, we’ll begin by you throwing out your ugly pajamas!!  Don’t make me go all ‘What Not To Wear’ on ya’ll!  Don’t argue.  The only way pajamas should be a part of your terminology is when you are referring to your children!

And what do we replace this sorry excuse for nightwear with?  NOTHING!  (I heard some gasps!)  Ladies, your husband loves you and wants to see you.  I know some of you are thinking, “Oh, honey, if he saw this…he’d run!”.  See, you just don’t know who you are.  You don’t know how sexy ‘naked’ is.  He doesn’t see what you see.  (Thank God, right?!)  He doesn’t see all the “flaws” you think you have.  He sees you giving all of yourself to him in complete surrender.  Unashamed and confident in your own skin.

This can actually be hard to do at first.  I know I, too, had issues with my husband seeing me completely naked.  But I started to believe him when he said I was beautiful and now I am completely comfortable being naked in front of him.  (I’ll be changing out of my clothes and start talking to him and carry on a whole conversation without even realizing that I’m stark naked! Lol!)

Sometimes, we can feel immodest in the bedroom (or the kitchen, or the laundry room, or the office!! ;)) but originally God made us to be unashamed by our bodies.  (Don’t worry, I’m not endorsing nude colonies! Ew!)  I’m not proposing we all go around naked, but we as Christian couples should definitely be comfortable being naked around our spouse!  Your husband should know every freckle, scar (I burn myself repeatedly in the kitchen.) and hairy mole on your body!  (On second thought, maybe keep that last one to yourself!!)  Believe me, he’ll love every inch of you because it’s actually his.

And I don’t care if you don’t have missile launcher breasts or a Barbie waist.  That’s not what he’s looking for anyway!  He wants you.  Naked and unashamed in front of him.  Confidence is sexy.  Knowing who you are and knowing he loves you and finds you sexy is key.

So, no more hiding under the covers fully clothed!  Take it off!  Take it off in front of him, take it off in the light, take it off slowly….just take it off already!

Oh, and bathe daily please!  Use bubble bath and body lotion.  Then of course, spray your perfume in those 4 key areas.  And you can either get into bed before he does and surprise him under those covers!  Or you can slowly (completely oblivious to the fact that he is watching, of course!  Wink, wink.) undress in front of him and drive him absolutely crazy!  And depending on how slow you go….you might not even get to finish before he does it for you! 😉

So, know you’re sexy, and show your husband that you believe what he says about you.  Now, say it with me…”I’m sexy and I know it.”  C’mon, one more time…”I’m sexy and I know it.”

Epic Sex, Epic Love, Epic Life.

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Alright kids, big question time. What is a successful marriage? Is it growing old together? Is it not cheating on one another? Is it simply staying together? Or could there possibly be more? If there is more to be had, what can you do today to have it all?  (Shana: And no, it’s not find a new spouse!)

At the heart of this project is the search for more. More love, more passion, more intimacy. The goal is for you to enjoy having an Epic Marriage, not just simply staying together with your spouse. As Christians, we should have and be the best at everything. I mean, we are the Elect of God, right? But I don’t have to tell you that we are living way below our potential in this modern age.

I don’t think that it would be an understatement to say that most marriages that we are dealing with are in some sort of trouble. They are staying together but they are unhappy, unfulfilled and wanting more of something. What is even more troubling is the fact that in most of the cases, at least one of the spouses seem to be totally unaware that their partner is even unhappy. This is because we generally don’t talk about it with our spouse. We get caught in a cycle of declension and we don’t know how to stop it.

Shana: We have almost no communication within marriages anymore.  It’s worse in Christian marriages because you can talk to each other about God, the church, even work; but you never talk about the major issues that you are dealing with.  Sadly, communication and trust should be evident in the church….but they’re not.

Declension (decline) is a constant enemy to Epic Marriages, let me tell you. I know a lot of you think that your marriage will just cruise along on its own, getting better and better as time passes. But it really won’t, that’s just not realistic. To have an Epic Marriage is going to take work, serious work. You have to know what you want, what your partner wants as well and then commit yourself to serving them every single day.

Shana: Seriously serious work.  No, seriously, it does.

So today let me help you by giving you some points to structure yourself around. You need a system based on different patterns than what you’ve had previously. If you do what you’ve always done, you will have what you’ve always had and that is definitely not our point here. We want change and so we must change first. You simply must refuse to accept the things you don’t want in your life, you must attack them.

Shana: No, do not attack him, ladies.  Attack the things you don’t want in your life!

Remember, it takes 30 days to make or break a habit. If you want to become something different, you have to practice a different pattern for at least 30 days in order for it to become a new natural pattern for you. So here we go!

1. Be motivated to learn.

Being motivated to learn is what will begin your Epic life and it is essential for keeping it healthy and growing. When you stop learning, you start declension. Just because you think that you know what your partner likes or doesn’t like is not a license for never learning anything new or trying something different.

Shana: We can give you some ideas ;), although, some of you may never look at us the same way ever ever again.  I mean, they’re perfectly normal.  Everybody does them.  Okay, well maybe not EVERYONE.  I’m just gonna stop right there….

As we have written before, having Epic Sex takes epic surprises! (Shana: Ooh! I LOVE surprises!) When we are excited to learn new things and experiment, it speaks volumes to our spouse about how into them we are. When we just carry on as usual, that speaks the opposite message.

When you first start out you want to be a voracious reader and become a sponge of knowledge that you’ve never had before. You could read the articles here on LSGL or try Christian Nymphos or The Marriage Bed but make a decision to learn something new and try something different daily. I shouldn’t have to say it but make sure to keep your knowledge gathering confined to areas where your conscience will be clean, in other words, don’t go looking at porn for inspiration. See, the goal is to keep things exciting and unpredictable because much of what makes an Epic Marriage stems from the confidence that you get when you know that your spouse really wants you.

Experimentation is also a large part of being and staying motivated, so feel free to take big risks and remember that even if it doesn’t work out or you don’t like it, you still learned something in the process. And that matters because knowing yourself and knowing your spouse only comes through trial and error. And remember, we don’t focus on the climax alone; it is the journey that we savor.

Shana: AHH, yes!  The journey.  The journey into the unknown.

2. Control what you can control.

Being present in the moment is a skill that you are going to need to acquire. Your intimacy time with your spouse is one of the most important parts of your day. That can’t be overstressed. Sadly, for many married people, it is one of the least important. We actually place a higher priority on stresses, problems, unresolved circumstances, sleep, entertainment and dozens of other things than we do on our intimacy time.

Shana: So, are you actually saying I shouldn’t put ‘The Bachelorette’ before my husband??!  Whatev!

In our marriage we have learned that there is a higher place that we can get to all around when we place our marriage first. It gives us confidence and a unity that we just can’t get from anywhere else. Being in love is one of the greatest emotions that we humans can experience. That’s exactly why so many songs, plays, poems and movies are created involving just that thing.  Shana: Love songs and poems are what happens when you get an Irishman drunk.  It is also why you don’t hear any songs about paying bills or embracing stress (not so great of an experience). And being in love is not something for the start of a relationship, it is something to be cultivated every single day and enjoyed.

In order to have that, you need to be able to shut everything else off and just be present and it’s not easy! With so many things to distract you from one another, shutting off the chatter that is going on in your head can sometimes be a monumental feat in and of itself. Shana: My mom called…she was wondering how the kids were…which reminds me…Molly hasn’t had her bath, yet.  I wonder if I forgot to take the roast out for supper tomorrow?  Oooh….that’s what you mean by chatter.  For women, a big distraction can be how you look or how your spouse views you. Or maybe it is putting intimacy into the unimportant box while you mind goes a hundred miles an hour obsessing about things you cannot control at that moment.

Jesus talks about this in Luke chapter 12.

He said, “Therefore I say unto you, Be not anxious for your life, what ye shall eat; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. For the life is more than the food, and the body than the raiment. Consider the ravens, that they sow not, neither reap; which have no store-chamber nor barn; and God feedeth them: of how much more value are ye than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a cubit unto the measure of his life? If then ye are not able to do even that which is least, why are ye anxious concerning the rest?

In other words, stop trying to control what you can’t control in that moment! What you can control is with you right now, in this moment. So begin to learn to shut off everything else and just focus on being.

For men the same advice applies regarding getting present but some of the reasons can be a bit different. Men need to know that their woman wants them and only them. And intimacy is about that more than anything else. If she doesn’t want it or isn’t engaging him, afterwards he will feel it. For a lot of guys this is what his mind is on; is she really giving me all of herself? Men have this strong need to have their woman lose their mind for him in pleasure. When that is missing, the sex feels empty.

Women’s conventional wisdom says that all men are man-pigs and all that they are interested in is sex.  Shana: Yeah, and? Just kidding! On the surface, that seems to be true in many ways. But when you dig a bit deeper, you will find that it is not sex that he is craving, it is your heart and the knowledge of how much he is worth to you.

To get over this, the guys need to stop fixating on it and just lead. You can’t wait for her to show you glaring neon signs that she is into you and willing to abandon all restraint in enjoyment of you. Just be a man and lead her there with patience. I know that your ego is all tied up in it but you have to step foot in the Jordan before it will part, right? Shana: I’m not saying a thing.  Have some self confidence and take charge. Once she understands that only you can lead her to places that she only imagined before, she will be more than willing to give you her heart with abandon.

3. Be determined to stay on track.

Having the determination to stick to your organized and motivated plan for success is what allows you get through the tough times. Make notes to yourself to remind you to stay on target. Get it through your head that nothing in life is more important than your marriage and take the steps to see it work. What we ignore in our life will ultimately decline. So make the decision that you will do the steps mentioned above every single day, without fail.

If you are asking why so much is just about sex, let me tell you that it is more than just about sex, it is about relating, comfort, peace and unity. Shana:  But mainly about sex.  So kidding! Lol!  And it is God’s will that you live and enjoy your spouse in every way. They are God’s answer to so many of your spoken and unspoken prayers.

How to Get Her Motor Running.

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If you are ever going to move your relationship forward, how many of you know that it’s going to take some knowledge?

There is a deeper level of intimacy, love, trust and satisfaction than you’ve ever known is possible. But in order to start experiencing this Epic Marriage, you will need some training, believe me.

See, there are two kinds of people in the world; the trained and the untrained. I shouldn’t need to tell you that those that are trained hold all of the cards while those who are untrained are left with empty pockets. The good news is that which one of those you are depends entirely on you!

The areas of marriage, masculinity and femininity and especially sex are some of the most overlooked areas in our lives. These are foundational areas that affect so many other areas. And they are actually all woven together, you can’t have a great marriage with sub-par sex and you can’t have great sex without a solid grasp of masculinity and femininity, it’s just not possible.

When a couple are straight with God, are having Epic Sex and have embraced their true masculinity and femininity, the result is an Epic Marriage. Once you get that, well, everything else in your life is cake. So much of who we are and who we can be depends on these core areas that to stay ignorant is just an invitation to misery.

What is more damaging than our ignorance though is the assumption that you know all that there is to know already.

Let me save you some time; you don’t. In fact, you don’t even know what you don’t know. There is an entire world right around the corner that is waiting on you. But you must be brave, ask tough questions, answer tough questions that your spouse may have and begin to nurture this core area of your life.

Some of you have been struggling with the sexual aspect of what we are talking about in LSGL. And there is good reason for that- it is the most ignorant area of our relationship most times. The spiritual power of sex is astonishing. And the damage that can be caused by not handling this properly cannot be overstated. It is the primary means of becoming “one”, that means that our intimacy, emotions, fulfillment, security and self esteem are all tied in to this one area.

So, what is the number one enemy that prevents attaining Epic status?

Stress.

You know that stress causes physical tension but did you know that it actually blocks endorphins from being released. That means, no happy-happy feelings, folks.

Stress also releases chemicals into your body that work against you, even to the point of draining your libido altogether. Things like cortisol can severely limit what you experience sexually. Stress also is the number one cause of a lack of focus in the bedroom, keeping your mind on everything but what is happening around you at that moment. And in order to reach Epic status, you have to be fully present in the now.

Both men and women are going to have to approach your intimacy forearmed against stress. And for you guys that means that you are not going to just touch her and have her melt into your hands if she is stressed and unfocused. I know you think that she should but she isn’t built like you, hero.

Ladies, this is important to you because if you have a real man then he is not just interested in the climax. He is after something else- your heart – and just because you “do it”, that doesn’t mean that he will come away satisfied. You are going to have to work a bit at this too.

So, what can you do? Glad you asked.

First off, you men are going to have to take the lead. Your lady wants a strong man that knows exactly what he is doing and who gets his greatest pleasure from giving his spouse more pleasure than he receives himself. The whiny, namby-pamby, desperate begging thing- she hates it. You are going to have to gently lead her and get her to an area of trust. This is so key. She wants to give herself to you but she needs you to be a real man, a real leader and be gently (or un-gently) dominant. So, take the responsibility for her experience and lead!

Second, lead her to a place where all of the chatter in her head is gone. You would be surprised at how skilled she thinks she is at multi-tasking, even in bed. But the truth is, she isn’t. She is thinking about work, kids, bills, supper, debts, what her body looks like, what you hate about her, what she hates about you, all kinds of things. And she needs to focus if she is going to have an Epic experience. Again, you are going to have to lead her there and be patient. You can spend some time holding her if she needs that. You could give her a massage and lead her thoughts until she is focused on what she is feeling rather than what she is thinking. You could play a game with food, helping her to savor the different tastes and textures. There are tons of things that you can do but the one thing that you should not do is jump right in and expect her to be ready.

Third, get some knowledge and training. Become an expert for her! This is important because even if you get her focused and present with you, if you don’t know what to do or if you simply do the same old thing that you always do- it is a huge anticlimax. That is like spending an hour preparing a steak and then burning it! No, she has to know that you are going to take her places that she has never gone and that you are the only one who can do it. In order to do that, you need some information that you’ve never had.

There is a whole world that you have never experienced and it is about time you did! The best way to do this is through a LSGL conference or class near you. I am not saying that to pimp my stuff, I am saying it because I looked all over and finally had to create what I found out I needed. So, start a LSGL small group or plan to attend a conference, you will never regret it.

So, take my advice and change your thinking and patterns. There is an Epic Marriage just waiting for you!