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thOkay folks, we need to get something out into the open that is affecting a whole lot of marriages out there right now. We live in a society where it is common for people to be married 2, 3 or even 4 or more times over the course of their lives. In each new marriage they simply carry over the same problems that they had in their previous ones. I hate to be the one to break it to you but if you have been married four times, I would be willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that it is not just the fault of all of your ex-spouses. Easy bet.

One of the main issues that we see as we travel is that everyone looks at marriages and relationships for what they are getting out of them. This is easy to do as it is the battle cry of our humanistic society in recent years. Am I happy? Are they making me happy? What could they be/do/say to make me even more happy? Why don’t they care if I am happy?

This is not a fun place to be, believe me. I understand the loneliness and pain that isolation brings on, be it real or imagined. I would say that it is a safe guess that millions of Americans suffer from real discontentment, especially in the area of their marriages. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Two general concepts really go a long way in keeping a happy home if you can commit them to memory and adopt them as uncompromised tenets in your life;

1. Marriage is actual work. This means that it will take effort on your part. Not effort to endure your partner but a commitment to do what it takes to make things work on your end. Do you have to just work once? No, it is going to require daily work on your part.

2. It takes both partners exerting the same amount of work. If you are doing all of the giving just to make them happy, it won’t work. If they won’t put in the work because they expect that everything should just coast along beautifully, you are in for a long, hard haul.

Just those two ideas alone, if both partners agree with them and make a decision 2to work together in the marriage will strengthen your relationship. Remember, whatever you do not focus on will go into decline in your life. If you decide to put the relationship on autopilot (because it is a privilege to be with you or something) then you can expect that the quality will start to nose dive. If you focus on how you feel and your wants and needs and not how to serve your partner, don’t be surprised if you wake up alone.

That brings me to the important(er) bit of this little writing.

Your relationship is not just about you, Narcissus. There are some things about you that your spouse really needs to change. They may be right, they may be wrong, that is not the point. The point is that it is something that they need from you. Therefore, in order to be fully aligned and happy, you are going to have to change it. In return, given that they adhere to tenet #2 above, they will compromise on some things for you as well.

This is what makes a relationship work, the idea that you have to be uncompromisingly compromising. To not compromise and be the very best spouse that you can be for them is inherently selfish. And if your idea is that you are enough as you are and you don’t need to change for someone then you deserve to be alone, if I am being honest. We all have needs, wants, ideals, eccentricities, give it a name. We are in a relationship so that those things can be met and we can be fulfilled and not lonely anymore. But the road to seeing that happen is one of compromise, not one sided service.

So go home and write a vision sheet. On it list the needs that you have that you don’t feel are being met right now. Then number them in importance from 1 (it sure would be nice if) to 10 (not budging, I need, I need, I want, I want, gimme, gimme). Force your partner to do the same at gunpoint. Actually, scratch that, maybe just talk to them and ask them to.

Then take your partners top 5, so long as they are moral. I had to add that in case your partners number one need is the Swedish Bikini Team or Magic Mike. Then do your level best to meet those needs yourself. It doesn’t matter if it is contrary to who you have been, what you are comfortable with or if Jupiter is aligned with Venus, just do your best to carry it out. Just because they aren’t your needs doesn’t make them not valid, Holmes. Your partner should have your sheet and should do the exact same thing, period.

After you fully meet the top 5, move on down to the next 5. Make it a mission every single day to be who they need you to be so that they will be who you need them to be.

Remember, no murmuring, no complaining, no hitting them with frying pans. Just serve your serving partner. You’ll be glad that you did.