Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~Butch Hancock
The quote above would be even funnier if it weren’t true. And it is not just true in Lubbock but everywhere inside what we call “the church”.
One of the questions that I regularly get is why we are doing any of this when there are more “important” things to be discussed. There is world hunger or evangelism or the homeless, why focus on marriage and sex? First off, those are all straw men- we do very little to nothing at all about any of them. 96% of all of the money that flows into the church in the United States is spent on infrastructure- salaries, utilities, mortgages, building projects. That means less than 4% of all of our money is spent on world hunger, evangelism or the homeless.
Shana: Sad statistics. Makes you embarrassed to be associated with the hypocrisy of it all.
And while I believe that we should be doing something about all of those areas, I do not believe that we will begin to do anything at all until our core needs and underlying issues are dealt with. We are in a gen-you-wine crisis, folks. And the more LSGL meetings that we hold and the more people that I talk with regarding it, the more I am convinced of it.
Our men are chronic porn addicts and masturbators. They live an outward Christian life with all of the bells and whistles. But when the door closes and they are alone- all of the needs that they stuff away during the day come out in full fury. And then the guilt sets in, crippling them and pushing their real relationship with God (the one that no one sees) into an area that is also generally inhabited by their relationship with their spouse, which is an area of non-communication, bitterness, resentment and unfulfilled desires.
This is the reality and it is probably the reality in your house as well.
Our women are also suffering needlessly, albeit in a different way. First off is the body image problem that they wrestle with almost every single day. They sit on their couches at night, watching television with their husband and are constantly barraged with images of women with “perfect” bodies. Shana: Preach it!! Their skin, their hair, their shape- all of it conceived by image makers to teach us how to look. And one thought sits inside of their mind like a cancer as they see their husband watching all of these women- they are not good enough.
Shana: Right on. They are taught at a young age, way too young, what they are “supposed” to look like. And who, may I ask, is making this standard? Since when did “perfecting our self” on the outside become so much more important than the inner self? Women are convinced if only they can look like that-then their husband will love them. And the whole time-he just wants her…what a tragedy!
This is one constant that we have seen over and over. Our women are totally convinced that they are flawed and the only thing that their men want is sex and it really doesn’t matter with whom. Shana: It’s true, most women have no idea why their husband wants sex so badly. And she is convinced it really has nothing to do with her. It could be a freakin’ doll , for pete’s sake! If their husband says “I love you” or buys flowers or takes her out for a date, it is only to get sex. Shana: Yeah, like flowers and dates are gonna get you lucky! Okay, so they do get you lucky…I admit it…we’re soft. And that is all that men have ever wanted from them. They have heard all the lines, seen all the ploys, they have made all the mistakes. And it has caused them to see sex and their heart as two completely separate things.
But hear me on this one; both men and women are really after only one thing; to truthfully be fully loved.
Shana: The problem is: women don’t think sex has anything to do with love…just lust.
And we have no idea how to get there or even what is wrong in our relationships. We don’t know what normal is anymore and after so many times of hearing lies declared truth, you start to believe those lies. We are told that everything is in declension and that relationships start out full of passion but eventually all of that eases up and fades away. We are told that men are cheaters (Shana: Pretty much!) and women are frigid (Shana: No, we’re not!) and once you are married, sex stops almost completely.
Shana: Husbands can obsess solely on sex to the exclusion of all else and end up coming across as pathetic and emasculated. Which in turn makes their wife completely hate the act itself and in a way their husband also. It is a complete result of non communication or miscommunication. But either way, the truth has been lost.
And so you are lonely, deeply lonely, even though you are married and have children. The truth is that’s because something is still missing. And you can try to fill that empty space with jobs, kids, church, even God and fake spirituality. Shana: Ouch. But the best that you will ever do is to cover up what is happening inside. God said that it is not good for a man to be alone. Shana: And if you’ve ever seen a man get lost…that’s why! What is so wrong with asking for directions?! If I wasn’t my husband’s navigator…he’d be to Mars by now! lol! They’d be completely lost without us, ladies! He made us incomplete eternal creatures stranded on this planet. And it is His will that you have someone complete you. And that completeness, that connection, is what all of us are longing for so much.
That is a core need that drives almost all that we do as humans. And usually at the start of a relationship, it is almost met. You feel the connection, your experience the passion, you feel like you have found someone who truly loves the inner you. And then you take your attention off of the relationship and things start to decline. In the end, you have 6 months or a year, tops, of experiencing this honeymoon period and then a lifetime of longing for it. Cheating, divorce, porn, depression and addictions to try and fill up that space inside of you that should be met by your spouse.
So, if you are there then let me tell you that you don’t have to be. Everything that you need is not going to be found over the fence in what looks like greener grass, it can be found right next to you- in your spouse. And you have everything that they need as well. The reason why you don’t have it is because you expect it to just naturally develop on its own. And so neither of you know what you need and have probably not communicated it to each other. And it is quite possible that you don’t lay down your lives for one another to meet those needs anyway.
Let me ask you a question; when was the last time that you had Epic Sex? Shana: Weren’t expecting that, were ya? Lol! Epic Sex is a term that we use in Love Sex God Life to describe an intimacy that you literally remember for years afterward. It is when you are completely present, savoring feelings and serving one another until you are totally lost in one another.
This is probably the first time that you have ever considered the idea or heard the term so let me first establish how you can know if you are already experiencing Epic Sex.
If your sex life revolves around just the climax, you are not having Epic Sex. Shana: Yeah, GUYS!
If you are physically satisfied but still internally craving more, you are not having Epic Sex.
If you are doing it just to be done, you are not having Epic Sex.
If it doesn’t haunt your thoughts for weeks afterward, you are not having Epic Sex. Shana: Wow, this one is interesting!
If you know that you did something but don’t really remember specifics but you think that it was pretty good, you are not having Epic Sex. Shana: What if you know what you did but you don’t know what it is called?
If your standard for whether or not it was good was whether or not you climaxed, you are not having epic sex.
So why does Epic Sex even matter? That’s a fair question. It reminds me of something that I used to experience before I met my wife. My sister used to make steaks a lot. And I guess she liked them well done- real well done. And so they resembled a stringy edible hockey puck. And since that was all that I really knew about steaks, I assumed that steaks were supposed to be that way and you doused them with A1 to provide moisture. When I got together with my wife, she worked at a steakhouse in Thompson, Iowa called The Branding Iron. And they made some prime rib that made you want to smack yo’ momma. Now I know that steak should always be medium rare and A1 never crosses our table. Shana: Amen!
The difference is in what I knew from my experience.
If you haven’t had it, you’ll never want it because you will assume that what you have is good and normal. But we should crave Epic Sex because that is when we are truly one with one another and it is one of the foundations for an Epic Marriage, a marriage that is so good that God can use it as a means of grace to convert an unbeliever and show the world how he loves us. As the Elect, we should have Epic Marriages, period. We are His people, the benchmark and the standard. But when the world looks at our marriages it sees only a more moral version of itself.
Epic Sex was what God intended for us. It is his way of getting our minds focused on true north. It is the way for us to close the door on lust and affairs. It is the way designed for us to unwind and shake off all of the stress and baggage of life. And it is a balm for our spirit because it is here that we find center and completeness.
Oh, one other small thing; you cannot understand your relationship with God without it. For those of you who have a sexless marriage (or it is almost that way) and are defrauding your spouse and yet claim that you have a great relationship with God- let me tell you, you don’t. Because one of the chief ways that God gave us to understand how our relationship to him works is through our marriage. Shana: Yup. And in the end, the relationship that you have with your spouse is the same relationship that you have with God. In fact, much of what we try to pass off as a genuine relationship with God is actually just spiritual masturbation with you thinking of the deity that you wish you had.
Shana: Oh, boy.
I know how harsh that was but it needs said.
Life lived halfway is not life, it is breathing in and out and waiting to die. And God gave us sex and food and adventures waiting to be had because He loves us so much. In the end it is your bills, pressures, worries, work and a million other things that conspire to distract you from your sanctuary right beside you. Shana: Your sanctuary is right beside you…how cute is that? It is Epic Sex and an Epic Marriage that give us shelter from the storm. And let me tell you, even if you live in a van down by the river, (Shana: Ooh, showing your age, hunny bunny!) if you have your spouse in an Epic Marriage, everything is gonna be alright if you know the truth of this because the bond that is formed is unbreakable and mutually sustained.
So, here are some pointers on how to start having sex as worship or Epic Sex. Start a LSGL group in your area if you want the full course but this should get you started anyway.
1. Prepare yourself. You are never going to have an Epic experience if you don’t stop the chatter in your head. You have to learn to be fully present in the moment and savoring everything that is happening. Give yourselves time to relax and start engaging one another. (Shana: A glass of wine really helps here.) A good way is to set up anticipation throughout the day with little emails or texts but think about the intimacy with your spouse a few times during the day. Do not just start cold and expect hot immediately. Take your time and let things progress.
2. Take turns being selfish and serving one another. It is okay to be selfish during sex but not the entire time, silly rabbit. Literally take turns allowing the other person to be completely selfish for awhile and you do what you can to satisfy them in the moment. This should be an organic, free-flowing time where you both come away satiated.
3. Communicate. This means both telling them what you want when you want it and making some noise. No one is a mind reader and if your needs aren’t getting met, you need to take the initiative and ask for it. In a Epic Marriage, you are serving one another and this shouldn’t be a problem. Secondly, it is safe to say that you can’t have Epic Sex with someone who just lays there and sweats. It doesn’t have to wake the kids but a little verbalization goes a long way. Shana: Lol…hilarious! He means yell, scream, and holler…you’re only young so long and the kids… they’ll fall back to sleep!
4. Find some moxie. Get bold and creative. If you eat the same cracker every day for a year, that is going to get old. If you want to have an Epic Marriage, it takes Epic Surprises. This is a perfect opportunity to break out of ruts and expectations and do something different for a change. In a non-epic marriage, you learn your partners buttons and then push it ad nauseam. But in an Epic Marriage, the focus is not on the destination but on the journey. You are not simply looking to climax but savoring the person that God gave you. To avoid ruts and patterns, always try something new and make a memory. Shana: Altoid, anyone?
5. Lose yourself. When your thoughts are elsewhere, you have no hope. If you are worrying about your body image or performance, you have no hope. Shut off all internal dialogue and just focus on the feelings, not just physically but also internally. Savor the love that your partner is showing you and take the time to just be.